Death by Confusion

My head hurts. Just all the time from utter confusion that college pours upon me. There are so many opportunities, and I don’t know which are right for me, which are a waste of time, or if I’m even on the right path.

In the past week alone I thought I didn’t want to be a teacher anymore, then I came down from that crazy cloud. But just to hop on to another. I thought I wanted to join the honors college…..typing that now I have no clue what the thought process was. Then come to find out that I have to apply next semester for an accelerated masters program if I want to be in it. I’M ONLY 19, I CANNOT BE TAKING MASTERS CLASSES. To pile more shit on the shit I’m already in classes that I’m not scheduled to take for two years, I hate being the youngest in half my classes.

All of this wouldn’t be quite so terrifying if I was more like 130% sure I want to be a teacher instead of like 75% sure. It’s like every two weeks that I have this switch go off in my head that says, “you hate kids, why are you doing this” Most of the time I don’t know the answer. But without fail I end up flipping the switch back. I’m not sure if this is out of fear of commitment or if deep down I know this isn’t what I want. But I have no idea what else I would do.

Everything is just so stressful, summer can’t come soon enough. 13 more weeks, 61 days of class left. I just need to get through this one. I know I can do it, but I just didn’t think it would get this hard so fast.

**Welcoming myself to life**

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The Blue Backpack

I’m your classic nerd, destined to be a school teacher, forever with her nose in a book kind of girl. I’ve always full on expected to end up with a tech-savvy, Pokemon loving (way past an appropriate age), kind and sweet guy. Even though the majority of my thoughts entail a mash-up of several different romance movies, which goes something like:

Geeky girl meets all-star football player when she becomes his tutor. Soon after she discovers that she is royalty in a far off, never before heard of land. Signals get crossed after their love blooms, and she leaves to be the beautiful princess she always was. Time passes and he realizes that life just can’t go on without her. Then after making the journey of a lifetime he makes it just in time to stop the royal wedding to an ass-hat European prince.

I’m aware this has approximately 0.000000001% chance of happening. A girl can hope, right?

But some time ago, Mr. Blue Backpack happened.

Mr. Blue Backpack and I had met our freshman year, and lets just say we weren’t exactly bff’s… It wasn’t until our senior year that he became more than a friend.

I had just come home from my summer camp job, and a mutual friend and I ended up getting fro-yo with Mr. Blue Backpack. Before we got our ever necessary desert, I NEEDED to pee. At this particular establishment you had to ask for a key to the bathroom…um serious corporate trust issues. The employee that I had asked for the key apparently thought I was just the hottest tamale in town. As I was in the little girls room, said employee asked my two friends if I was single. This simple question was the catalyst for Mr. Blue Backpack and I.

That question had opened Backpack’s eyes to what he had been overlooking for 3 years. A few weeks later Mr. Blue Backpack asked me on our first date in the school parking lot (oh, how cute is high school romance…) Now, I feel it important to let you know that Backpack was a varsity soccer player, president of this that and the other, and just in general a really popular guy. So, naturally after he asked I felt the stupendously awkward need to ask him if he was joking about three times…I need to get it together.

Our date was amazing. Easy, simple. We ended up talking for hours, it was one of those dates you read about in books. I was seriously falling for Backpack. But it just wasn’t meant to be I guess. We hung out a couple more times and went to homecoming together, but in the end I’ll just chalk it up to bad timing.

But Mr. Blue Backpack was a person that I found an amazing connection with, and even after all this time I just can seem to get him out of my head. We went to different schools, and we don’t talk anymore. Every time he comes up on my news-feed, or I hear Backpacks name my heart still skips a beat. I’m not sure if I just miss our friendship, or I still really have feelings for Bcakpack?

I do hope one day our paths cross again at a better time in both of our lives. Lets hope before either of us has to journey across the world to find each other

 

 

 

I’m gonna be a runner…?

I’m becoming a runner.

With my new semester starting on Monday so will my journey to become physically fit for maybe the first time in my life. Now it’s not like I need to lose weight it’s just that I’m skinny, not in shape.

After graduating high school I’ve really found myself with a serious lack of a hobby (unless were counting Netflix- sadly most people don’t). People ask me all the time, “What do you like to do?” and all too often I’m left with no answer and an awkward pause…

I need something of my own, something I’ve started and only I can end. I’ve lost a lot over the past year. I just really need some control in my life, something where it will only be my fault if I quit.

I know this won’t be able to replace the fact that none of my best friends live in the same state as I do, or that I no longer know what I really want to do with my life/education, or that increasingly more I feel alone. Running won’t fill any sort of void I’m feeling, but I’m really hoping it’s a start to finding ways to fix them.

So, starting this Monday, I will be the world’s newest runner…for about a millisecond…but still. Somebody wanna have an ambulance on standby for me?!

Letting Him Go

 As I’m on this eternal break from college (jk, it’s really just a month) I had expected some different reality to occur. One where I had plans with all my old “friends”, and one where I was defiantly not binge watching 90210—all day everyday…

But sadly that’s just not how it worked out at all. Life after graduation is a myth of sorts. Not a lot has really worked out how I had thought, but not all was bad. After high school is over, after graduation, and the promises to remain friends forever are sealed in stone or spit, whichever you prefer, not a lot of those “friendships” really last. It’s really shocking how many of those you’ve spent the better part of your adolescence with you’ll just never have the same relationship with again.

Leaving and coming back home really shows you who your actual friends are. And you’ll be surprised at who doesn’t make the cut anymore.

My friend, let’s call her Tess, and I were chatting over coffee one day, and we started talking about how we both just seem to remain perpetually single, and why that might be. I know that couldn’t sound anymore typical white girl, my apologies. Tess will put herself out there, and go talk/flirt/be creepy to guys. I on the other hand am still expecting my life to turn out like a movie. I mean why can’t I be walking across campus one day, and drop all my books to have the love of my life walk by at the perfect moment to pick them up…WHY?! Seems perfectly logical to me.

But all of that made me think about the guys friends who have potentially been more than just friends to me. Quite a few have come and gone, but one has always just kind of been in the back of my mind…or my heart. We’ll call him John. I’ve known him since we were 7. He’s really just always been around. At times he’s felt like a lifelong friend, and others like a parasite that I’d need laser surgery to get rid of. I just never thought John would be really out of my life. But college changes a lot of people either for the better or for the worse, and I think John has fallen victim to the dark side of that trap.

Even though it’s really difficult to not really call him a friend anymore I feel like it’s really important to not pretend that our relationship is the same. At some point I’ve just got to call it like I see it, and realize that the consequences might be rough but I won’t lie to myself anymore about my relationships with anyone. Honesty is my new policy in 2014…well we’ll see how January goes. Hopefully one day we’ll meet again when we’ve both grown up and know who we are.  Right now he can’t be in my life, but I really hope that’s not going to last forever -not a lot does.  

Hey There, 2014

Over the past year or so, I’ve really just been needing a way to get out of my own head. Just a way to get out what I’m thinking, but without the judgement or misunderstanding from my friends. This blog is my way of  doing so.

So. Here’s to 2014. Let’s hope it’s a good one.